Web Toolbar by Wibiya Shelby Rebecca: After the fall

Friday, August 14, 2009

After the fall

Of Rome? No. Me, out of bed on Monday after my beagle harassed me with her puppy-claws and cat-wanting whines for hours in order to conspire to keep me from actually sleeping. After I'd had enough of her letting on about wanting to protect her food stored on the front patio from neighborhood cats on the prowl, I jumped out of the bed to let her out but when my foot hit the ground my leg was still asleep and collapsed under me.

Since my bed is one of those tall canopy beds, I hit the ground with the intensity of a mini-sized earthquake. I was somewhere in between a dream and a painful reality. The pain was so intense that it made me nauseated enough to nearly throw up. It was my arm that caught me, and for it's trouble, it cracked all the way through and across the bone.

I type now with a green cast kind of tapping my computer keyboard in an awkward fashion. Despite this humility, I've found some software to write my Activist Script.

If I had it my way, there'd be some Final Draft scriptwriting software all up in my hard drive (if ya know what I mean, wink, wink) but I'm a SAHM, so budgetary reasoning dictates my decisions. For this reason, I've chosen and downloaded Celtx, with the C pronounced like a K, MmmmKay.

So far, I like it but I'm at that stuck-in-the-middle position again. I'm too afraid to start writing because if I suck at it then the story I tell myself about how successful I'll become someday, and how happy I'll be when I have that glow which only comes from the serenity of financial security, will be banished out of my repertoire of comforting thoughts forever.

It's like when I was a stylist at Supercuts and I'd tell myself (and everyone else) that I only worked there while I was in college. This was true, but my subsequent thought was that I'd be something some day, someone I'd be proud of because of going to college. Then after all of my dedication and hard-work for over six years, I had this degree in my hand that meant absolutely nothing to anyone but me. Which is happening again with my Master's degree because even though I've completed it becoming a teacher right now in California looks like climbing a mountain only to find a black stormy cloud at the top.

So, just like 4:00 am Monday morning, I'm somewhere between a dream and a painful reality. But what I know is that I have choices. I've put my first bid on an editing job on Elance and I've downloaded the Celtx scriptwriting software. I've got some free time during the day while my little angel is in Kindergarten, and I've got an entrepreneurial spirit thus inherited by my Father, the Alaskan bush pilot, may he rest in peace.

Speaking of resting, have you ever heard of hypnagogic hallucination? It's a point at which being asleep and being awake actually overlap for a short time, usually about 10-30 seconds. During this time, the sleepy hallucinate sees objects like spiders, butterflies, or people moving about as if they are really there. It can be quite frightening, actually making one jerk out of bed, or hurt themselves or there partners.

For me, when it happens I just lie there and watch. I know it can't hurt me, it's just the beginnings of a dream to come...just like right now. Here's to script writing without fear--some pain and awkwardness while typing with a clunky vibe--but no fear. I promise. I really mean it.
Thanks for reading.

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