The self scale

So, I just read my Master's research project for the first time since I turned it in back in April. Well, what I just realized is I'm not that person anymore. Somehow, between April and now I've lost, like, 50 points on the self esteem scale; most likely because I haven't been using my brain like I was when I was running an activist campaign and going to graduate school. Plus my daughter needs me less and less these days and all I can think about is how bad I suck as I watch our money dwindle and I'm not supplying any more to the pot.

John, my husband says, "you're being a victim right now…How's that workin' for ya"

I think, "it's not working but I can't see a way out right now". The self-loathing, the self-pity…it's not working for me.

But life feels like a journey too hard to take right now; as if everthing I want comes with a looming obstacle course as a prerequisite. Nothing has ever been easy for me and I don't know if I have it in me to pull off anymore great feets. I mean, ya, I've gone to school, I've earned degrees, My No More Tar Roofs campaign was successful (so far). I have a beautiful daughter but what have I done?

Well, a lot actually, but none of it has been worth much money. Does my self-esteem scale rely upon how much money I earn? It never had before. I've always been so self assured until now.

I've always said that I wouldn't give up this time I've been at home to raise my daughter for anything in the world. I consoled myself by beieving that when I'm 80 years old and looking back on my life choices I would have kicked myself for focusing on a career instead of on my daughter. But then I see others who definitely believe in the benefits of the daycare industry (and this person is so happy right now). She looks great with her professional haircut and her trips to the esthetician, and I have bags under my eyes and am constantly fighting back tears. Who made the right choice? Even while I ask that question I want to rip my hair out for the impertinence of it.

I mean, it's my choice whether or not to let all of this make me sad. I guess it's because I have this longing to just feel safe again, to know that everything will be ok and I almost can't remember the last time I felt that way. It must have been when I was very young. Well, there were a few months in 1999 in between when I moved to Sacramento and when I found out about my Dad's cancer that I felt truly happy. During those few months I really thought that there was nothing that could happen that couldn't be fixed. But having your Father die can really change that optomistic view point forever.

K, so sorry about all that. I've got to say that I've kept myself up late a few nights in a row writing my script. I really like the genre. I like the strict rules mixed with the freedom and creativity. I've got about 13 pages. Wouldn't it be cool if it actually got made into a movie? I'd be happier than a lark, (whatever that is) and I sure bet my self esteem scale would bump up into extra-credit.